I Don’t Know How to Upgrade (think JC Superstar…)

Notes for a musical

I Don’t Know How to Upgrade (think JC Superstar…)

Rural Librarian:

I don’t know how to upgrade

What to click what to type in

It’s called XP—what’s that to me?

Windows 95 and 98

Have been installed before

Is this so great?

When I went to school

Nothing changed so fast

I adored the books

‘Cause I thought they’d last

I never sought technology

I guess I loved the past.

Don’t you wish it was the old days?

Don’t you miss those little 3x5s?

But it’s changed

The world’s deranged

So I’ve got to learn

To tech I’ll turn

And put in this CD

Please God help me

install XP

install XP!

Tech Riders in the Sky

Library Tech Gurus: We started doing fancy stuff within academies

But now we want to share it with the public libraries

Our acronyms are cryptic but don’t try to spell ‘em out

It’ll heighten your anxiety, and supercharge your doubt

TCP-IP, XHTML

Initials you should try.

If you’re intimidated by this alphabetic stew

Consider all the wondrous things that they can do for you

Like automate your processes, beef up security

And round up all your patrons, collect up all their fees

FRBR, RFID

Initials you should try

If you’re still turned off by this opaque terminology

Remember that it’s very common in bureaucracy

Confusion is a way of life—I guess it’s here to stay

And no-one does it better then our friends at ALA

ACRL, ASCLA

Initials just won’t die.

Harry Potter’s Zombie Hogwarts Fans

Librarian: It was twenty books ago today

That a fad was started by J.K.

Got a lot of in-joke witchery

That don’t really make much sense to me.

So let me pass the microphone

To folks who hate to read alone

Harry Potter’s Zombie Hogwarts Fans

Fans: We’re Harry Potter’s Zombie Hogwarts Fans

Hermione excites us too.

Harry Potter’s countless endless Zombie Hogwarts Fans

We’ll summarize the plots for you.

Harry Potter’s Zombie

Harry Potter’s Zombie Hogwarts Fans.

It’s wonderful to read them

Though they’re six inches thick

We read them when we’re feeling good

We read them when we sick oh yes we read them when we’re sick.

Librarian: I don’t really understand it all

Kinda cryptic and mystical

Harry Potter’s got that special pull

So we stock ‘em by the barrel-full

We’ve been tryin’ to pack the patrons in

With books by Proust and Ho Chih Minh

But Harry Potter’s Zombie fans will win!

Come Together (Libraries)

Here come old Gorman he makes

Vague pronouncements he writes

Crabby essays he hates

Bloggin’ people he puts

Both feet into his mouth

Pisses off librarians from the East North and South

Come together, right now, libraries

Here comes a new grad she do

Cult’ral studies she got

Many piercings she blogs

Ev’ry evening she got

Tattoos that you can see

Before you hire her better read ‘em all carefully

Come together, right now, libraries.

Here comes a boomer she’s a

Graying hippie she got

401k she reads

Noam Chomsky she got

Tenure and resume

Retirement’s lookin’ good ‘cause it ain’t that far away.

Come together, right now, libraries.

Here comes a rural they got

Books on tractors they got

Tiny budget they got

One-room building they got

Board members that can’t read.

Patrons in the barn out back cookin’ up some speed.

Come together, right now, libraries.

Here comes Deb Jacobs she got

Robot shelver she paid

Big shot Koolhuis she got

Chartreuse bathrooms she’s a

Fan of postmodernity

Just don’t try to find a place to read comfortably

Come together, right now, libraries.

Reader’s Advisory (“Still Rock ‘n’ Roll To Me” – Billy Joel)

Patron: What’s the matter with this book I’m reading?

Madam: I can offer you some sound advice!.

Patron: They say it’s written by a lowlife cretin…

Madam: But I know some folks who read it twice.

The main thing to do is to read the books that please you

So my job here is not to shame you or tease you

Just tell me what makes you want to read a book through

--that’s reader’s advisory.

Madam: First off, won’tcha tell me how you spend your time

Patron: I like to watch the TV news

Madam: When you start in readin what is on your mind?

Patron: I like to weigh opposing views.

Madam: So Franken or Limbaugh would be just aces

Or Freidman or Bennett can put you through the paces,

If you’re a libertarian or even a contrarian--

That’s reader’s advisory.

Oh, it don’t matter what’s a hit with reviewers

Or who won that fancy Booker prize

If the words go down

With a pleasing sound

Then it’s a book that’s gonna make you wise

Whatever anybody else buys…

How ‘bout you kids sittin’ over there,

Don’t you want to make the readin’ scene

Fixatin’ on your Xbox with a frozen stare

Well it might just turn your eyeballs green.

I got a buncha stuff that’ll rock ya and jam ya

And a couple of novels that the fundies think’ll damn ya

If you think you might dig fags dykes boys in drag—

That’s reader’s advisory.

Patron: Me I’m lookin’ for an easy page turner

Cause they say I have ADD.

Madam: You can be a whiz or a real slow learner

When you come to the library.

We gotta lotta books that’ll keep you feelin happy--

The plots move along and the characters are snappy.

It seems to me you’d like Krantz King Koontz Steele Jantz—

All: That’s reader’s advisory.